Just for Laugh

you mean "last standing" in X-Men series ?

the story about good bad and ugly is really undefendable
Click to expand...
nope.. it's an American TV show and it's on its sixth season this summer
 
i'm not sure if this was posted already ..anyway..here they are

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an
hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date.

**********

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... & the other ensures
you continue to do so.

**********

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

**********

Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem
can there be greater than this one?"

**********

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

**********


Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

**********

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

**********

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married her?"
Millionaire: " A Billionaire"

**********

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

**********

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or
my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
humor."
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Funny, Worth Reading ...

Ever speak and wish that you could take the words back...or that you could >crawl into a hole? > > >Here are a few stories of people who did and do...

> >1) How much for: >I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and >asked >loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned >around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a >word -- he knew better.

> >2) I think I like... >I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was >unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several >minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at >the store. >He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, >"I think I like playing with men's balls."

> >3) Nuts about You... >My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety >of nuts. >As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if >we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My >sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned >beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

> >4) I saw Mommy kissing... >While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some >pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after >receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her >that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my >horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, >"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you >kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" >The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the >tellers stopped what they were doing. >I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank >with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed >behind me were screams of laughter.

> >5) What kind do you want? >A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up >to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. >Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed >out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER >SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store >apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a >businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE >KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

> >6) For the last time... >Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My >three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on >him constantly. >One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. > >It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I >smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter >and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in >a while, >so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." >I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have >any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an >accident?" "No," he replied. >I just KNEW that he must have had an accident because the smell was getting >worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" >This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his >cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly >choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and >sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best >laugh they'd ever had!

> >7) About last night... >This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very >embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before >she speaks. >What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story: > >We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have >snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's >that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave >the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
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MARRIAGE

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffer ring.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
15. Confucius says: man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.
16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
17. Eighty percent of married man cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
21. I married Miss right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.
25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
26. At a cocktail party, one man said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG WOMAN.
27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is. My personal definition: MARRIAGE IS A PUBLIC CONFESSION OF A PRIVATE INTENTION.

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LIFE IS MATH

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
-Smart man + smart woman = romance
-Smart man + dumb woman = affair
-Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
-Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
-Smart boss + smart employee = profit
-Smart boss + dumb employee = production
-Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
-Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
-A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
-A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
-A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
-A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
-A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
-A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________
HAPPINESS
-To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
-To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________
LONGEVITY
-Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
-A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
-A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
-A woman has the last word in any argument.
-Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
-Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads. He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?"
Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room. Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff. Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
 
Two piecies on the plate, fork on the table, sheet on my bed, that man pwned =))
 
Just face it in TG box
This really makes me to lol =))
An Arabian was interviewed at the US Embassy. - Consul: What is your name? - Arab. : Abdul Aziz - Consul: Sex? - Arab.: Six to twelve times a week. - Consul: I mean, Male or female? - Arab.: Both male and female, sometimes even camels. - Consul: Holy cow! - Arab.: Yes, cows and dogs too. - Consul: Man, isn't it hostile? - Arab.: Horse style, dog style, any style. - Consul: Oh dear! - Arab.: Deer? No deer, they run too fast.
 
An Arabian was interviewed at the US Embassy. - Consul: What is your name? - Arab. : Abdul Aziz - Consul: Sex? - Arab.: Six to twelve times a week. - Consul: I mean, Male or female? - Arab.: Both male and female, sometimes even camels. - Consul: Holy cow! - Arab.: Yes, cows and dogs too. - Consul: Man, isn't it hostile? - Arab.: Horse style, dog style, any style. - Consul: Oh dear! - Arab.: Deer? No deer, they run too fast.
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...............Dog style =))
 
I'm more concerned about the "any style" :-? What styles are there available for human? :-?
 
U can learn everything u need to know Cruel ...
Sign up for free now @ Light's boarding school :hug:
 
One day a man was sitting in his office on the 19th floor of a building. A man came running into his office and shouted, "John, your daughter, Anna just died in an accident right opposite this building" The gentleman was in panic. Not knowing what to do, he jumped out through his office window. While coming down, when he was near the 14th floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Anna. When he was near the 7th floor, he remembered he was not married yet. When he was about to hit the ground he remembered that his name was not even John .. PLS, TAKE IT EASY! LEARN TO MANAGE STRESS.....IT KILLS FASTER THAN POISON . Enjoy ur weekend ^^!
Omg =)) =))
 
Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor.

You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others.

We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T).

This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T).

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T.

They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T. Thank you for your time !

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training (The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)
 
After the successful establishment of the first University, FPT corporation launched its second private university in Vietnam, FPT University of Computer Knowledges (F.*.C.K). F.*.C.K students (a.k.a F.*.C.Kers) will be provided with the lastest IT falcilities, including the wireless broadband service from a unit of FPT Telecom, WiMax for Home and Office Remote Extension (W.H.*.R.E). W.H.*.R.E is responsible for ensuring that F.*.C.Kers are always in ready condition to study new technologies and techniques.

FPT's biggest company, FPT Integration Service, has changed its focus to High-techs solutions only, and changed its name to FPT Integration Service of High-technology (F.I.S.H). F.I.S.H has researched and developed its own network deployment methodology, System Hard Integration Techniques (S.H.*.T). During 2010, more than 300 companies in Vietnam have used S.H.*.T to build their information systems. Many companies even modified and improved S.H.*.T to adapt with their own scenarios. The most notable case is Baoviet with Baoviet Unified Legacy Logics S.H.*.T (B.U.L.L.S.H. *.T). B.U.L.L.S.H. *.T was rewarded "S.H.*.T of the year" by F.I.S.H.

FPT Distribution Channels also made remarkable improvement in 2010 with 2 new programmes: Distribution and Introduction Channel Knowledgebase (D.*.C.K) and Product User Satisfaction SurveY (P.*.S.S.Y). While D.*.C.K aims at providing potential customers a comprehensive database of FDC's services, products, distribution network and showrooms, P.*.S.S.Y collects customers feedbacks to measure the efficiency and profitability of each channel. D.*.C.K and P.*.S.S.Y are 2 undetachable parts and contribute a lot to FDC's successes. Both of them are products of F.*.C.Kers but P.*.S.S.Y utilizes W.H.*.R.E’s infrastructure to simplify the data gathering process.

FPT Mobile has cooperated with Hutchison to distribute the latest 3rd generation mobile phones and to bring into operation a 3G network. FPT Mobile has converted a lot of users from other mobile phone networks to its 3G service. 2009,2010 and 2011 are the 3-G Aggregation YearS (3-GAYS) for FPT Mobile.

FPT Software Solution, the least known company, has made incredible achievements with a security system to protect software users from possible attacks, namely Application Security System for Home, Orgranisations and Large Enterprises (*.S.S.H.*.L. E). *.S.S.H.*.L. E is adopted quickly by domestic companies just as S.H.*.T was and brough millions of dollars of revenue for FSS.

Finally, while other FPT companies focus on technology advancement and customer satisfaction, FPT Software's strategy is to increase profit by reducing human factor overhead in software processes. The most important activity was development of a technology that can automatically audit and patch software products. The system is called Software Upgrade and Correction Kits (S.*.C.K) and is still in beta. At the moment, it is being evaluated by selected users (S.*.C.Kers) . Most of current S.*.C.Kers are F.*.C.Kers.
 
I read this in VAT's blog 100000000000000000000000000000000000000 years ago.
 
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